Of Magic Rubix Cubes and Glowsticks of Destiny
by GrumpyCat503
Summary: In which Psych is called in to consult on the stolen Tesseract by their old ally, super spy, Nadia Potente. Gus fangirls over SHIELD and Captain America. Shawn befriends Tony Stark, Thor, and surprisingly, Loki. And Nick Fury experiences premature aging because of it all. Rated T for inappropriate jokes and cursing. Canon ships shipped.
1. Your Mission, If You Choose

Chapter 1: Your Mission, If You Choose To Accept It

SHIELD Triskelion, Washington DC; September 9, 2010

Stacks of files covered most of Nick Fury's desk, papers with names and photos of hundreds of candidates for the Avengers Initiative. The Director himself sat behind the large array of documents, his one good eye staring sternly at the dark haired young woman who lounged in the swivel chair across from him.

"Shawn Spencer," Fury muttered the name in disbelief. "You're recommending _Shawn Spencer_ for the Avengers Initiative?"

"Yes," Agent Nadia Potente said bluntly staring straight back at the director. "He solved our test with flying colors. He found Strabinsky _twice_. At the age of fifteen he aced the detectives' and SHIELD academy tests. His IQ is 187. He's a genius."

"But not a psychic," Fury frowned.

"I don't believe so, but Ewan O'Hara was convinced."

The Director shuffled further through the papers, examining Potente's report with a scowl fixed to his face, "In your report you said he was a narcissist, a liar, and broke protocol multiple times. Why would you still recommend him?"

"Because at the end of the day he made the right decision. He's incorruptible, does what's right, and despite his shortcomings, he still plays well with others. That makes him more valuable than Stark, doesn't it?"

"Not necessarily," Fury sighed as he picked up his pen. "But valuable enough."

Next to Shawn Spencer's name, her scrawled out the words: _Candidate Accepted_.

Nadia Potente was one of his most trustworthy agents with deep roots in SHIELD. Fury found her opinions to be generally sound. He supposed he would have to have faith in her with this decision as well. Faith and a bit of hope that eccentric known as Shawn Spencer, despite all his apparent talent, would never be needed by SHIELD.

Two years later, of course, Fury's hope went down the drain…

oooOOOooo

Psych Office; May 4, 2012

Mexican music blared around the Psych office, and the smell of Jerk Chicken Nachos filled the room. Shawn balanced unsteadily on his desk stringing up a garland consisting of Mexican flags, and Gus watched his friend from the ground arms crossed.

"Shawn, would you use a ladder? You're going to fall, and we _cannot_ afford for you to have another stay in the hospital."

"Gus don't be Canada. I'm fine." Shawn bent down to scoop up a nacho from the plate next to his feet. "It's like a three-foot drop. Besides, you know we can't have a Cinco De Mayo party without _las banderas mexicanas_."

"You guys are having a Cinco De Mayo party?" a lightly accented voice asked from the doorway.

Startled, Shawn gave a small scream, nearly falling off the table. He managed to jump backwards instead, landing, unsteadily on his feet. He looked over at the owner of the voice.

"Nadia?" he asked, confused, taking in the woman's outfit: black boots, black cargo pants, black camisole, leather jacket, briefcase, and the obvious bulge of a gun in her pocket. "Aren't you supposed to be enjoying retirement?"

"Sadly, not so much," the female spy smirked. "I work for SHIELD, actually."

"SHIELD?" Shawn asked incredulously.

"The Strategic Homeland Intervention Enforcement and Logistics Division," Gus's eyes widened with fanboyish glee. "Founded in 1948 by Colonel Chester Phillips, Howard Stark, and Peggy Carter, all former allies of Captain America. To this day, it still remains the strongest international espionage agency in the world."

"It sounds like they really wanted their acronym to spell 'shield.'" Shawn muttered.

"They did," Nadia shrugged. "But I'm not here for idle chatter. SHIELD needs your help."

"Really?" Shawn asked. "They don't want to do experiments on me, do they? Because my communication with the spirits is easily damaged by interference from the physical world and-"

"Cut the crap, Shawn," Gus scolded his friend. "Nadia," he turned to the spy calmly, an almost flirtatious smile on his face, "What exactly does SHIELD need our assistance with?"

Nadia bent down, opening her briefcase, pulling out a huge stack of files. She started with the top one, opening it up, revealing a black and white image of a glowing cube. "This is the tesseract, a powerful source of energy. It was stolen last night from one of our more well protected bases. We need you to help us find it."

A huge giddy grin spread itself across Shawn's face, but he quickly suppressed it. "Gus and I must first convene on the matter."

He turned around, and Gus did the same.

"Dude, this is awesome," Shawn nudged his friend with his elbow. "We're going to be like spies with cool gadgets and stuff."

"I know," Gus gushed. "I wonder if SHIELD really has a helicarrier, or if we can meet Nick Fury. That man is a major badass."

"Dude, I have no idea who you're talking about but even his name sounds awesome," Shawn grinned.

"So, we're doing this?"

"Yes."

The two friends turned around to face Nadia who stood waiting for them impatiently with crossed arms. Shawn grinned and in his best Tom Cruise voice said, "We choose to accept your mission."

Nadia rolled her eyes, "Good. Now read all those files. There's a lot you need to catch up on. As of now, you have Level 7 clearance."

Shawn stared glared distastefully at the stack of papers next to his nachos.

He hated reading debriefs.

* * *

 _And I'm done with Chapter 1. Sorry for the shortness; it was kind of a prologue. I decided to write this fic because I was astonished by the lack of Psych/Avengers fanfics. If you didn't realize, Afent Nadia Potente is the Psych character from the episode 'One Maybe Two Ways Out.' She was a spy, framed for killing someone. I came up with the idea the whole thing was just a test for Shawn by SHIELD, and that he was recommended for the Avengers. I intend for more jokes in the forthcoming chapters. Please read and review. If you have any good Gus Nickname ideas, then please recommend them._

 _Thanks,_

 _-Grumpycat503_


	2. The Inflight

Chapter 2: The Inflight

For Level 9 Agent Nadia Potente, the trip from Santa Barbara to Aerial Base 18 could not truly be summed up into one word, but if she had to choose one, _interesting_ would be her choice as a ridiculous understatement surmising the experience. Shawn Spencer had taken only an hour to comb through all the information in the Phase 2 files and had himself and Burton Guster ready to depart via. "The Blueberry" in less than thirty minutes. Considering all the snack-packing and bickering the two friends went through; the time frame was very prompt.

Potente drove in the front seat with Shawn and Gus sitting in the back like two rambunctious children. They brought a huge bag full of food and had somehow managed to cut and consume three whole pineapples over the course of the ride. They played games: I Spy, 20 Questions, Mad Libs, and ludicrously, Cards Against Humanity. They also ate an entire bag of twinkies, Nadia couldn't help but be amazed by that ludicrous feat-

At first.

Now that they were on the Quinjet, Nadia was feeling disgusted about it. After about fifteen minutes in the air, Gus had vomited all over the metal floor, making a slippery, foul-smelling mess that vaguely looked like twinkies and pineapple chunks. After grabbing a spare parachute-jumping helmet that was hanging on the wall, he proceeded to cough up more gunk.

Though Shawn (thankfully) wasn't ill, he was by no means less annoying, and had begun to poke around the Quinjet, murmuring to himself and messing with things he shouldn't be messing. He was more jumpy than usual, a sign that he was going through a sugar high. Currently he was inspecting the switch on the plane that opened the back door. Just when he was about to pull it, Nadia decided to interject:

"Don't touch that. Do you want to get us all killed?"

"Oops, sorry," Shawn grinned, not very guiltily.

"Strap yourselves into your seats," she ordered the two of them after checking the GPS system. "We're landing in a few minutes." _Thank the Lord._

Nadia's smartwatch beeped and a message appeared on the screen from Agent Romanov: _I've got Banner. Coulson's got Rogers. We'll meet you on deck._

 _Roger that,_ She typed quickly. Then she pulled up her headset to speak to the operator, "This is Agent Nadia Potente piloting Zenith 5 requesting a landing plan…"

oooOOOooo

Shawn's legs were a little shaky after the landing but he ignored this, taking the opportunity to observe the aircraft carrier around him. Pilots wandered around in orange suits that kind of looked like the pilot suits from Star Wars. Jets and planes littered the cement-top of the craft along with people, all of them with official stiff boring expressions on their faces.

"Dude," he remarked to Gus, who was busy attempting to clean up his shirt with a wet towel Nadia had given him. "This is just like Top Gun."

"Wouldn't that make you Tom Cruise and me Val Kilmer?"

"Well, no I was thinking I would be Val Kilmer since I look so much like him."

Gus didn't really register Shawn's second comment, and instead made a shocked face, staring behind him at someone. "Oh my gosh-"

Shawn turned around to look.

"- it's Captain America!"

The guy was tall, like 6'2, with a ripped body like Juliet's brother, but he carried himself with a shy demeanor that made him seem a little more gentle. He wore khaki pants, a plaid button down shirt, and a leather jacket, an outfit that spoke more 1940's than 2010's. One of his knuckles was split- he probably punched something or someone very recently (Shawn could only assume it was a very heroic act), and there was a callus as well as a charcoal on the pinky of his left hand- so he was left handed and probably dabbled in the arts. _Huh, interesting._ There were nearly invisible grease marks on the side of one of his pant-legs- so he road a motorcycle, and was very into cleaning his own laundry.

The man perked up at the sound of his epithet and began to walk toward them, along with him came a muscly toned red-head wearing black leather and red cotton. Judging by calluses on her fingers and trace of gunpowder on her clothing, Shawn could only assume she was an agent like Nadia.

"Captain Rogers," Nadia said, " This is Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster from the SBPD. They'll be consulting with you on how to find the tesseract."

"Shawn, Gus, this is Captain Rogers and Agent Romanov of SHIELD."

"It's a pleasure to meet you," Captain America shook both their hands, his expression a mix between confusion and curiosity. Agent Romanov simply gave them a nod along with a small smirk before heading off with Nadia to go attend to something.

"You can call me Gus," Gus informed the Captain as he finished shaking his hand for way to long of a time.

"You can call me Steve," the Captain smiled shyly. He turned to Shawn, "So, what is it exactly you guys do?"

"That is an excellent question," Shawn declared, taking the opportunity to wave his hands in a ridiculous fashion. "I am a psychic."

"Really?" Steve raised his eyebrows. "I don't really believe psychics."

"There are plenty of non-believers," Shawn declared. "But I can prove you wrong," he put his finger up to his temple and made a melodramatic humming noise until Gus gave him a small shove in the side.

"Just read him Shawn."

"Alright, alright, alright." He prepared his speech based on what he observed earlier, placing his finger up to his temple and closing his eyes, "I can hear an engine running and two wheels and I can see Fonzie-"

"A motorcycle?" Gus asked, finishing his friend's rant before it edged into the ridiculous.

"Yes!" Shawn pointed at Steve, "You ride a motorcycle. I nice one too! What is it a Harley Davidson?"

The Captain looked mildly surprised, "Yeah it is."

"You're also into drawing with charcoal. You have a sketchbook right?"

"Yeah I do actually," though he still looked skeptical the Captain now held an amused look on his face. Then he frowned, "What's a Fonzie?"

"Oh dude, we have to get you caught up on pop culture!" Shawn exclaimed excitedly.

The Captain looked more confused but thankfully the awkward silence was broken when and slightly older man with curly dark hair stumbled toward them. Despite his nice suit and friendly smile, he looked incredibly uncomfortable with the situation and was obviously not a SHIELD agent. Shawn recognized his face from one of the files- he was Dr. Bruce Banner, an astrophysicist who can turn into a giant green rage monster because of gamma radiation. His story sounded like something out of a science fiction comic, but so did Captain America's. It seemed like everyone on this boat was a superhero or something. Maybe Shawn should have made him and Gus some Psych-Man and Magic Head costumes.

"Dr. Banner," Steve was the first to greet the tired scientist, shaking his hand just like he did Shawn and Gus. "Word has it you can help us find the cube."

"Um, yeah," he gave a sidelong glance at Shawn and Gus. "Who are you guys?"

"I am Shawn Spencer and this is my partner, Coccydynia Berkowitz. You may call him Gus. We are psychic detectives from the SBPD."

"Um, right. Okay then."

Dr. Banner and Steve engaged them in polite conversation for a few more minutes. Nothing important. Something about familiarity, but Shawn was too distracted to listen in, his mind drifting to the pile of files he had read just a few hours ago.

The cube- the destroyed base- the crazy god dude with the British accent (what was his name Lucky?)- giant green rage monsters- super soldiers. This was stuff Shawn never had dealt with before, and honestly it was freaking him out a little (though he would never admit that to anyone). Maybe he should call his dad and hear what he had to say, but then he knew exactly what would happen:

 _Shawn, you get your ass back home right this instant. These shadow agencies are never people you should deal with. You could get hurt! You could get killed-_

Yeah, he really didn't want to have to hear that lecture.

A vibrating deep within the aircraft carrier frightened Shawn out of his reverie and he followed Gus, Steve, and Dr. Banner closer towards the edge where the vibration was not as bad.

"Gentlemen," Agent Romanov popped in from behind them. "You might want to step inside in a minute. It's going to get a little hard to breathe out here."

"What is this?" Steve asked her. "A submarine?"

"They want _me_ in a submerged pressurized metal container?" Banner asked incredulously.

There was a slight bump, and then a lift, and suddenly, the aircraft carrier was hovering a few meters over the ocean. There was a slight gust of wind that pushed them all away from the edge.

"No," Gus murmured, a huge grin spreading across his face. "It's a helicarrier."

Shawn's eyes widened, "Awesome."

* * *

 _And there's Chapter 2! I'm really sorry for the giant lag in update time. January and February were both really stressful months for me! I hope to update a little more frequently over the next few months, and I hope you enjoyed this chapter. All of your reviews were and will be greatly appreciated, so thank you._

 _I hope to update soon!_

 _-GrumpyCat503_


	3. Looking for Lucky

Chapter 3: Looking For Lucky

SHIELD Helicarrier, Somewhere Over the Atlantic Ocean; May 4 2012

The helicarrier was as impressive on the inside as it was on the outside. Long metal hallways wound through the aircraft, and the various rooms were labeled with an assortment of numbers and letters. It sort've reminded Shawn of Stark Trek, except without the bright shiny lights and the people in the red shirts to be killed (everyone wore black here for some reason. Shawn supposed that is was for everyone to look utterly badass or something). Agent Romanov lead them through a few more twists and turns until they arrived at the center of the helicarrier where a tall, buff, African-American man with an eyepatch stood to great them.

"Oh my gosh it's Nick Fury!" Gus whisper-cried excitedly.

Shawn rolled his eyes at his friend's antics, "Gus, stop jumping around. You're going to piss yourself." He frowned, transfixed by the director's eyepatch, "Why does he only have one eye?"

"I don't know, he probably did it doing something really heroic!"

" _Gentlemen_ ," Fury surveyed all of them with his one eye, accepting a ten-dollar bill from Steve which Shawn assumed was from a bet or something. "Doctor," he gave Bruce a little extra acknowledgement. "Thank you for coming."

"Thanks for asking nicely," Bruce replied, looking a bit uncertain. "So, uh… how long am I staying?"

"Once we get our hands on the Tesseract you're in the clear," Fury replied smoothly.

"Uh, what about us?" Shawn asked, raising his hand. "I know Bruce, here wants to leave, but can we stay a bit longer? Shoot some bad guys? Burn some drugs? Hack some criminal's tinder account?"

Fury shot Shawn a glare that would've had Lassie pissing his pants, "Last time I checked your record, Mr. Spencer, you weren't _allowed_ to possess a weapon."

Both Dr. Banner and Steve looked over at Shawn with critically intrigued looks on their faces. Shawn opened his mouth to provide a witty retort, but Gus elbowed him harshly.

" _Ow!_ That hurt!"

"No, it didn't. I barely touched you!"

"It was like this. See?" Shawn elbowed Gus with the same force.

" _Ow!_ That is not the same!"

"Gentlemen-" Fury started.

" _Ow!"_

" _Gentlemen!_ " Shawn swore he saw Fury's eye catch on fire. "Can we continue?"

"Oh, uh, yes sir."

Fury waved his hand at a middle-aged agent in a black suit. "Agent Coulson."

The man nodded, "We're, uh, sweeping every wirelessly accessible camera on the planet to find Loki and the tesseract. Cell phones, laptops. If it's connected to a satellite. It's eyes and ears for us."

"That's still not enough to find them in time," Romanov muttered, arms crossed, looking bored despite everyone else's tense aura.

"You have to narrow the playing field," Bruce said. "How many spectrometers do you have access to? We could use those to track the gamma rays."

 _Spectrometers?_

"How many are there?" Fury responded.

"Call every lab you know and tell them to put the spectrometers on the roof and calibrate them for gamma radiation," Bruce responded. "I'll draft a tracking algorithm based on cluster recognition. I think we'll be able to rule out a few places. Do you have a place for me to work?"

"Agent Romanoff," Fury nodded at the woman. "Would you show Dr. Banner to his laboratory, please?"

The agent and the physicist walked away leaving Shawn and Gus with Steve. "Uh, What do we do, sir?" Shawn asked.

"Well Mr. Spencer, since you haven't had any visions yet, we figured Agent Potente can show you some more footage of our current case."

"Nadia?" Gus questioned confused.

"Right here," a voice said behind them.

"Ah!" both Shawn and Gus screamed as Agent Potente snuck up behind them.

"Well come on," she said. "SHIELD has an amazing screen room."

oooOOOooo

"Rewind it," Shawn said, sticking a handful of pop-corn in his mouth (he paid a probationary agent ten bucks to sneak it in for him).

"Again?" Nadia asked.

"Yes again."

Sighing, the agent grabbed the remote, hitting the rewind button and watching the screen playback, watching the footage from the lab once again.

People milled about in the video: Erik Selvig, astrophysicist; Clint Barton, archer, SHIELD Agent; Nick Fury. Talking. Looking concerned. Then, a flash of blue light from the Tesseract in the center of the room. A guy steps out of the portal. Tall, thin, grinning maniacally. Kind of hot in that rock and roll British way. Shawn knew what would happen next: he, Lucky, Loki, whatever his name was, would attack with the magical glowing glowstick of destiny and turn Selvig and Barton into his minions, turning their eyes electric lollipop blue, but something Shawn saw stopped him from finishing the video again.

"Pause it!" Shawn slammed his hands on the conference table eyes alight. "I'm sensing pain, a deep deep dark pain." He made a show of this vision, rolling around on the ground and doing the worm a bit. "Hot irons. Water boarding. Tickle attacks. The rack-"

"Torture? Do you mean torture? That scepter inflicts some sort of torture on people, and forces them to do the wielders bidding?" Nadia extrapolated.

"No. I think Lucky was tortured."

"It's Loki." Nadia and Gus corrected him.

"I've heard it both ways."

"Why?" Nadia asked, electing to ignore Shawn's antics.

"His eyes are sunken with huge dark circles. His veins are standing out. If you fast forward it a bit, he has a limp."

Shawn did so, displaying his facts with fast eagerness. "Also I'm getting visions of it. So you know I'm correct. He's not human. He's an Ass-garden, right? They can't be hurt as easily."

"He's an Asgardian," Potente corrected. "But I think you're coming on to something, Spencer." Her watch buzzed, she looked down to read the message. "They've found him."

"Where is he?" Gus asked.

"Stuttgart Germany."

"Oh my gosh! I can't wait to try schnitzel!"

* * *

 _And I have risen from Writers' Block. Yay! Thanks everyone who has reviewed, followed, and favorited this story, you give me a lot of confidence. One thing I would like you all to do for me: Please check out and review my new story,_ _Foxhunt_ _. It's an Agent of SHIELD fanfic revolving around OC characters but I can assure you it actually has a lot of strengths to it. The plot came up as an original story concept, but I felt like the MCU is a great setting for it. You don't have to watch Agents of SHIELD to enjoy the story. So please, PLEASE check it out._

 _Thanks everyone!_

 _Grumpy Cat 503_


	4. Schnitzel Time

Chapter 4: Schnitzel Time

SHIELD Quinjet, German Airspace; May 5 2012 (German Time)

"Gus, I think this collar is trying to straddle me." Shawn fiddled with the top of the two-piece suit. Agent Coulson, aka the guy with a huger crush on Captain America than Gus, had lended it to him.

"You mean strangle, Shawn," Gus corrected, adjusting the tie to his own borrowed suit, "And don't you dare say I heard it both ways."

"I won't at least time," Shawn grinned. Footsteps from a newcomer in the room caused him to turn around. "Why hello, Nadia, don't you look as pretty as a pineapple."

The agent in question rolled her eyes as she leaned against the quinjet door frame. She had changed out of her leathery attire in favor of a sparkly red dress, for the museum gala, as was per plan. Shawn, Gus, and Nadia would be sent to find Loki ahead of the rest of the team, taking advantage of their more obscure reputations among the art community (apparently a lot of SHIELD agents plus Steve were sent to art galleries to steal and/or guard old creepy artifacts. Go figure).

"Are you guys ready?" Nadia asked, watching Shawn continue to fiddle with his collar, a bemused expression had formed on her face. "We're landing in Stuttgart in two minutes."

"Heck yeah we are," Shawn grinned, giving Gus a subtle high five. "Come on son!"

"Right," Nadia dug into a leather purse that hung across her shoulder, her hand resurfacing out of it with three ID cards. "These are your aliases for the night with the names you selected."

The two best friends accepted them, looking at them with eagerness. While Shawn seemed satisfied with his fake name, Gus' frown turned upside down. "Rosemond Shmurtz? I thought I asked to be John Slade."

"Oh yeah, that was already taken. Shawn said that was another name you liked."

"Shawn! Rosemond is a girls name! You couldn't have suggested Sterling Cooper?"

Shawn laughed. "Gus don't be George Clooney's Batman. Rosemond is a strong name. It's like Allison or Skylar."

"Those are also girl names," Nadia muttered, performing another eye roll.

oooOOOooo

Staatgalerie Stuttgart, Stuttgart, Germany; May 5 2012 (German Time)

They arrived at the party "fashionably late" in the savvy words of Agent Romanov who was connected with them via earpiece. There was art in the museum, obviously: boring portraits and erotically naked Greek statues that would have likely interested Woody if he had been there with them. There were live musicians. And most importantly: there was a buffet table with schnitzel and a _chocolate fountain_.

Shawn and Gus were just about to start the chocolate dance when Nadia stopped them, giving Gus' a particularly hard squeeze on the shoulder to stop him from jumping up and down. "Do you want to get us kicked out?"

"No," the two friends said in unison.

"Good. Now I want you two survey the party for Loki. Get in the middle of the room and look around."

Shawn frowned confused, as his eyes wondered to the center of the room where couples intimately danced to the sound of classical violins. "And how are we supposed to do that?"

Nadia smirked, "You dance."

"And where are you going to go?" Gus asked, trying to smile to mask his obvious unease. "Aren't you going to dance like us?"

"Oh no," Nadia moved her skirt slightly, revealing a gun strapped to her leg. "Loki's got a reason to be at this museum, and I'm going to find out why."

And with that she turned and walked into the crowd.

"Holy crap that was hot," Gus muttered.

Shawn nodded in agreement and offered Gus his hand, making a motion with his head towards the dance floor. "Shall we my darling?"

Gus rolled his eyes, "I thought you'd never ask."

oooOOOooo

Nadia walked towards the closed area of the museum, slipping out a fake ID card so that the security guard would let her past. They let her through with a "have a good night." Once she got out of their eyeline, she slipped the bulletproof mesh vest from her purse, throwing it over her dress, and withdrew her gun from its spot on her leg.

"I'm in the west wing of the museum," she murmured into the second com system linked to Agent Sitwell and Director Fury. "Heading towards the storage section."

"Roger that," Sitwell said. "Agent Potente, we have a visual of an armed male assailant breaking into Vault 13. It's holding… It's holding the fragment of a meteorite."

 _They're going after another creepy space rock? How predictable._

"Is it Barton?" she asked.

"I can't confirm who it is. The visual is a bit blurry. Take two left turns and a right, then he'll be around the corner."

"Got it," Nadia said, taking off her high heels to quicken her pace and silence her footsteps. Her heart thudded in her chest, the darkened hallways unnerving her. The sooner they got this mission over with, the better. SHIELD had gotten themselves in way over their heads. Sure, dealing with people with extraordinary abilities was one thing, but this world of gods and magic space cubes was edging on the brink of insanity. Maybe she _would_ retire within the next few years…

Nadia halted these thoughts as she rounded the next corner, holding her gun up and pointing it at the assailant. "Drop what you're holding, and put your hands up," she commanded.

He looked up at her- _Agent Barton_ – looked up at her, his eyes an unnatural shade of blue. "I can't," he said in an eerily calm tone. "This has to be done. It's for everybody's own good."

"Ask him why," Director Fury ordered through the com system. "Let's hear what the bastard is doing."

Nadia did as instructed, attempting to keep the sarcasm out of her voice: "And how is stealing from a museum supposed benefit everyone?"

"It'll free us."

"Free us from what?" Nadia asked with a slight hint of curiosity to what the Mad God was planning.

"He didn't say."

" _Obviously,"_ Nadia sighed. "Put down what you're holding."

Barton's muscle's relaxed putting the thin metal device in his hand on the ground. Then he lunged forward into her legs, knocking her onto the ground.

* * *

 _Yay another update! I think of all of my stories, this one comes the most naturally to me (at least when I am in the mood to write it). For those of you that read my last Author's Note, ignore the majority of it. I deleted_ _Foxhunt_ _from the site. It wasn't getting any feedback, and I found myself yearning to turn it into an original story that could one day be published. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed and loved this story! It's doing a lot better than I expected it would which is great._

 _Happy August!_

 _Grumpy Cat 503_


	5. It's Raining Men

Chapter 5: It's Raining Men

Shawn quickly learned that ballroom dancing was not his thing, despite his amazing skill with the Chocolate Dance. One minute into waltzing to "Blue David Bowie" or whatever the name of that song was, he managed to step on Gus exactly eleven times.

"Let me lead, Shawn!" Gus hissed on the twelfth misstep, drawing even more attention from the couples around them. "You're going to dance us into the food table."

"But the chocolate fountain is just calling our names, Gus!" Shawn proclaimed, nearly stomping on Gus's foot again. "Can't you hear her?"

"Yes, I can hear _the chocolate fountain_ , but Nadia said-"

" _Hey Julie. Look what they're doin' to me. Tryin' to trip me up. Tryin' to wear me down-"_

Shawn stopped dancing and pulled out his phone hastily as it continued to play the ringtone. "Oh shit! It's Juliet! I have to answer this!"

"You've had your phone on this entire time we've been in Germany?" Gus asked sternly as they both edged off the dancefloor and towards the side buffet. "You know that is going to be crap ton of money out of my pocket."

"I know, I know." Shawn waved him off and picked up the phone nervously. "Hey, Jules. What's up?"

"Shawn where have you been?" Juliet sounded worried. "I've been trying to get you to answer all day! Are you okay?"

"Gus and I are…" He looked around at the ballroom, the huge orchestra, the fancy people (that longhaired guy walking down the stairs holding a freaking gem-in-laid walking-stick for crying out loud). "At an art festival." It was technically true. They were at a party in a museum hence "art festival."

"An art festival?" Juliet sounded skeptical. "I didn't really peg you or Gus as artistic types." She paused for a moment, clearly listening to the background of Shawn's call: "Is that classical music?"

"Oh yes." Shawn smirked. "It helps enhance the emotions of the artwork. Gus enjoys psychedelic abstract works, but I myself am more of a fan of mitochondrial style paintings."

"The mitochondria is a part of a cell," Gus corrected as Juliet laughed through the phone.

"I'm guessing this is for another one of your private clients," Juliet said with a sigh. "Stay safe, Shawn. If you need me to kick some ass, just call."

"Got it Detective O'Hara," Shawn smiled at his girlfriend's badassery, "but I think Gus and I have got this one completely under control."

The moment those words flew out of his mouth was the moment when things got completely out of control…

oooOOOooo

It happened so fast, that Shawn highly doubted that Gus processed what was going down. Hell, he didn't even know if he knew what was going down. When he ran everything through his brain (later on), he sectioned everything like this:

Shawn realized who the staff-guy was. He was Lucky (Loki, whatever). He didn't recognize him at first because his face was turned to the side, but now that he saw him… He was looking better. His limp was gone. His veins were no longer prominent, and the dark circles under his eyes were almost non-existent. _So, no more evidence of torture, hmm…_

Loki bitch-slapped a security guard with his walking-stick. Everyone started screaming. Gus may or may not have wet himself.

Loki body slammed some bald dude (Wilhelm Jaeger, curator of the museum, if the SHIELD files were correct) into the table, and pulled out a weird metal device that looked like a cross between a butt probe and a arcade game claw.

Shawn took a pineapple from the buffet table and threw it into the device, breaking it, before Loki could hurt Wallace (Wilhelm, whatever).

Loki glared in their general direction.

They screamed for their lives.

"Shawn, what's happening?" Juliet was still on the line. "Shawn-"

"It's fine Jules. We're all just freaking out because David Bowie just arrived."

"What?"

He hung up the phone, and pulled Gus down just in time when Loki used his walking stick to send a giant blue energy blast towards them.

"HOLY SHIT!" Shawn yelled as it disintegrated the statue behind them.

They scrambled to their feet and joined the running crowd.

oooOOOooo

Nadia let out a yell as she kicked Barton off her. Her high heels slammed into his stomach, but he regained his balance and slammed her down on the floor again. She took off a heel, chucked it. It gashed his cheek. She took another one, threw it. He caught it, and threw it aside. She managed to get to her feet this time, and they traded a few punches, with her landing quite a few to his jaw. Finally, when she felt that the fight was nearing its end, she got cocky and aimed a roundhouse kick to his sternum. The angle was off because of her ballgown, however, and he caught her leg twisting it, and letting a foul cracking noise fill the air.

Nadia screamed, and he dropped her.

" _Agent Potente,_ " Agent Sitwell's voice crackled through her earpiece. " _Can you hear me?_ "

"Mmm," she grunted out; she couldn't answer without Barton knowing. _It's definitely dislocated._ She assessed her injury. _Damn this dress._

Barton looked down at her, expression disconcertingly indifferent. For the few years she'd known the man, she'd known him to be opposite of dispassionate. Every fight he would get into he was serious but emotional. But the man in front of her held no attitude at all.

'Aren't you going to finish me?" she taunted. "Or are you too scared to kill a girl?"

"You weren't part of his plan," Barton shrugged. "He said to take out the guards, take out the security system, but he said nothing about taking out any SHIELD agents."

"You were never a person who takes things so literally." Nadia pointed out, her expression pleading. "I know you're in there, Barton. I know you're fighting him."

"I'm not fighting anything," Barton shrugged. "I'm just doing my job."

He walked past her where her gun lay on the floor. He leaned over. Nadia tensed, but his hand picked up the odd metal device he had been holding earlier. He pressed it into the door; it lit up for a moment, then flickered and died.

Barton frowned, "Must be an issue with _his_ scanner."

"You keep mentioning 'him,'" Nadia observed. "Is 'he' Loki?"

Barton ignored her, pulling something out of the pocket of his tactical vest -a SHIELD lock bomb- and attached it to the door. "I guess this calls for Plan B."

He backed up, the timer began to count down, and thirty seconds later, a concussive blast shook the door from its hinges. Nadia watched as Barton strode into the vault then exited with the meteor. He paid her no heed as he left the room, but just before he vanished from her line of sight, Nadia reached into a slip in her dress, pulling out a tracking ring. She threw it at Barton's heel- it latched onto his shoe.

"He has the iridium," Nadia reported to Sitwell. "But I put a tracker on him. I'm incapacitated. I need-"

"We're sending a clean-up crew your way."

"Thank you," Nadia winced as she attempted to shift her weight. Her leg hurt like hell. Maybe Fury would let her take a vacation after this was all over.

oooOOOooo

Gus and Shawn ran out of the museum, running across the street, screaming at the top of their lungs. Shawn glanced behind them to see Loki walking steadily behind them like a serial killer from a horror movie. He watched as Loki glittered (he literally glittered), magicking shiny gold armor over his fancy suit. A German cop car zoomed down the road, ready to save the day.

"Thank, God," Gus relaxed.

Loki zapped the cop car with his magic glowstick; it flipped over and fell with a large crash.

"Holy crap," Shawn whispered. "I think I just pissed my pants."

Gus could only nod in agreement.

They backed up, moving along with the crowd. Shawn's earpiece crackled on, and Natasha Romanov's voice spoke through the receiver, "Spencer, we need you to stall so Loki won't hurt any civilians. We have back upcoming, but we need time."

"Got it," Shawn nodded, turning back to watch what was happening. _Stalling, that's something I'm great at doing._

"Kneel before me," Loki was saying melodramatically. _Oh my gosh he's British._

The crowd shifted and murmured among itself, but no one listened because kneeling was a strange request, and everyone was probably scared shitless by a Shakespearean alien weirdo in reindeer armor.

"I said KNEEL!" Loki yelled, slamming his glowstick onto the ground, and suddenly there were four Lokis, surrounding the crowd and boxing everyone in.

This time pretty much everyone except for Shawn who stood in an odd hunched crouch, trying to decide when to act. He watched Loki straighten up, a smirk growing on his face. "Is not this simpler?" he asked the crowd as if he were running some overly intellectual TED Talk. "Is this not your natural state? It's the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power, for identity. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel."

Okay, this guy was an arrogant douchebag, and his speech was over so… Shawn popped up ready to stall: "Wait. Wait. Wait. I can't kneel."

Loki turned to him incredulously, " _What_?"

"Dude!" Gus hissed, tugging at Shawn's pantleg. "Get down!"

"Gus, I can't," Shawn decided to be stubborn. "This suit is a rental. I can't let a brother down by messing with his suit."

"You spilled milk on it on the way here."

"You know I need more calcium for my bones!"

"Who the hell do you think you are?" Loki asked dangerously, ending Shawn and Gus' argument.

"Well," Shawn said. "My name is Shawn Spencer, consulting psychic detective for SHIELD, and this is my partner Burton Guster." Gus glared as Shawn used his real name in an actually dangerous situation for the second time. "We are part of the Anti-Kneeling Society."

"Shawn," Gus said. "I'm kneeling. I'm not part of the Anti-Kneeling Society."

"I thought you always wanted to be part of a secret society."

"You just told him, Shawn. It's not very secret anymore."

"Just stand up dude."

"No!"

"Stand up."

"Fine." Gus stood up brushing his pants. "There's dirt on my trousers."

"That's why you should be part of the Anti-Kneeling Society," Shawn muttered.

The two best friends fell awkwardly silent, staring at Loki who was studying them with a bemused expression on his face. "Are you done?" Loki asked, smugly.

"Yup," Shawn said popping the p.

Loki sighed dramatically, aiming his now sharp glowstick at the pair, "Look to these men, people. Let them be an example."

"An example?" Shawn asked Gus in a loud whisper. "An example of what?"

It was at that exact moment that Captain America fell out of the sky, pummeling Loki in the face.

"Dude," Shawn said, a grin spreading across his face. "It's Raining Men."

* * *

 _So I'm back with a longerish chapter! I felt bad that I hadn't continued this in a while, so I hope that makes up for it. I love y'all! And also, just a question: I currently have a spin-off idea based on the concept of this crossover. It's a Parks and Rec crossover with Thor: Dark World (not based in the same universe as this fic) tentatively titled "April Ludgate: Intern Extrodinarie" about April becoming the intern's intern instead of Ian Boothby while visiting Andy in London. Tell me what you think about the idea, but don't worry, I'm not starting it until after this fic. I have too much stuff going on to start a new project! Fun fact: Shawn's ringtone for Juliet is an actual song called "Hey Julie" by the Fountains of Wayne. Look it up on YouTube if you want to hear it :)_

 _Please Read and Review!_

 _-GrumpyCat503_


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